


Neighbourhood Wash

by donprisciotte



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Demoman is named Damon and the innie leader is named Will, Multi, Sitcom, didn't plan this but it's safe to say it's supposed to get worse with every passing chapter, in which Locus is gay and speaks in bold text so yeah basically he is in character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2019-08-25 14:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16662881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donprisciotte/pseuds/donprisciotte
Summary: From the...Unique mind that spawnedthe crackfic where a chicken is part of the head staff of Project Freelancer, a brand new comedy.In canon, Washington was a villain for a short period...But he doesn't really feel at place compared to the other villains, does he? And what other way to remind it if not with a story where all his neighbours are horrible people?(Updates will be inconsistent)





	1. The Pilot Sitcom Episode

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MercySewerPyro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercySewerPyro/gifts).



It was a regular afternoon of a regular working day in a regular sporting goods shop. Except maybe the fact that said shop was deserted, but it was raining like mad outside and sure, someone could've come in to find a temporary shelter, but most people chose the comfort of their homes that day. The shop was beautifully and eerily silent, the only audible noises being the occasional thunders and the sound of the rain, when suddenly--

 

_Nyan nyan nyan-nyan, nya-nya-nya-nyan nyan, nyan nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya nyan!_

 

“...Wash?” York searched for his coworker all over the place, cellphone in hand and silly ringtone blasting across the whole shop “Wash, where are you? Your phone's ringing!”

 

_Nyan! Nya-nya-nyan! Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nyan nyan, nyan-nyan!_

 

“Oh, there you are!” he found him asleep in a tent, sprawled on the floor next to a still half-full bowl of noodles. There was even a fly in it. Not a good sight. At all.

 

“Ugh...” Washington woke up and started grumbling something incomprehensible, then sat up and snatched his phone out of York's hand “Who the hell is calling me?!”

 

“I don't know, man, you haven't registered the number.”

 

“Then why would you wake me u-- you know what? Nevermind.” he let out an irritated sigh, deciding at last to answer the call “Hello?”

 

“Hello, Wash! It's me, Doc!”

 

“Doc?! How did you get my number?”

 

“I asked Caboose.”

  
“...And he gave you the right number?” he asked in genuine surprise “I'm impressed.”

 

“Actually, no, he gave me your old post code. So I had him ask Church...He just sent 'fuck you' in binary.”

  
“I...I'm sorry, wh--”

 

“It was Tucker who gave me your number in the end.”

 

“Can we please just get to the point?!”  
  
“Oh, you know when we met at the bus stop the other day and you said you were going to move out and you needed a rommate to keep you company and help you pay the bills? Well, guess what?”  
  
“I would rather not.”

  
“I got kicked out and now I need a new place! If you take me in as your roommate, we will both get what we want, isn't that great?”

  
“Thanks, but I already found a rommate. We're moving tomorrow.”

  
“Wash, come on, pleeeeeease? I'll pay the rent, do all the cleaning and cook you a healthy vegetarian meal.” his tone became more and more irritating and whiny at every word “I can still provide first aid, in case of emergency...”  
  
“Alright, FINE.”

  
“Great! Thank you so much, I promise you won't regret this!”

  
“Yeah, I'm sure I won't...”  
  
“Oh, about that, can I ask you a question?”

  
“Sure, let me hang up one second.”  
  
“Okay, so-- wait, wh--”

  
York shook his head and laughed as Washington ended the conversation and rolled his eyes. Watching him trying to put up with others was always the funniest thing. He kind of wanted to mock him for it, but as poor Wash fell asleep again he decided that it wasn't the case. Poor guy sure had a lot to deal with.  
  
  
The following day, York decided to be helpful and drive him and the other rommate, an extremely tall and built man who was a professional wrestler, to destination. He wasn't authorized to use the guy's real name, just his ominous wrestler name, The Meta, and he was afraid to oppose him anyway, him expressing himself only in growls truly added to his appearance, in terms of scariness.There they were, now, at Irredee Mable Street, which had a series of beautiful detached houses that for some reason York expected to be smaller.  
  
“You're gonna live here? Damn, you opened another shop that I don't know of?”  
  
“I know, right?” he chuckled “I expected it to be pricier, and yet Reggie's selling it for cheap.”  
  
“Whoop, there it is. He murdered someone in there.”  
  
“York, come on, he'd never do that!”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“Right, Meta?”  
  
“Hmph.”  
  
“Was that a yes or a no?”  
  
“Hmph.”  
  
“Speaking of murdering people in your own house, shouldn't that Doc guy already be around?” not even the time for York to finish the sentence that he was interrupted by that _unmistakable_ song blaring from a car passing through a nearby street.

 

“Sigue todo recto hasta el cruce.”  
  
“Ugh, what the fuck did he say now?!”  
  
“Maybe you should turn the music volume down, Grif.”  
  
“Sí. Bajar el volumen. Eso será de gran ayuda, sin música él hará un trabajo mejor con non comprenderme.”  
  
“Why, _thanks, jackass_.” Grif turned to glare at Doc who was in the backseat “Since we're in the mood of exchanging suggestions, here's one for you: how about next time you install GPS navigation that isn't in fucking Spanish?!”  
  
Doc lowered his head.  
“I just wanted this group to be more diverse...”  
  
“God fucking dammit.” he muttered as he shifted his focus to the street again “Unbelievable.”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...I have a suggestion to make!” chirped Donut in the passenger's seat, prompting the two of them to bark at him.  
  
“NOBODY CARES!”

 

  


“It's them, isn't it?”  
  
“Probably.”  
  
“My bad, Wash. Should've kept my mouth shut.”  
  
“Next time you want me to answer the phone, I'll throw it in the ocean.”  
  


 

Wash and 'The Meta' got off the car and picked the few boxes they brought with them and glanced at the now parked car with Doc, Grif and Donut standing around it and arguing as usual. York figured it was a good moment to drive away.  
  
“Well, guys, looks like this is it. If you don't mind, I'll just let Reggie help you and drive back home. I, uhh, I'm gonna have company and she likes watching movies at my place, if you know what I mean...”  
  
“...You could have just said bye.” Wash was clearly uncomfortable with what his friend said, which made Meta snort.  
  
“Bye, then!”

  
  
  
“Two words, Grif: leather. Interior.”  
  
“Shut. up. Donut.”  
  
“Think about it!”  
  
“You know what? I _am_ thinking about it: I didn't care for leather before, but now I decided I hate it just to spite you.”  
  
“Why are you afraid to live fabulously? Sarge and Simmons would have approved!”  
  
“Another reason to be glad Sarge and Simmons aren't here, then.”  
  
“Why don't we make a peaceful compromise?” Doc stood between them to avoid further conflict “Like, you can keep your car interior as it is but you're going to buy a leather belt.”  
  
“Why would I need _belts_? As long as there's some place where I can nap I'll be laying there, without standing up and making my pants fall down. Not being lazy, just practical.”  
  
“Right. Also, you're a little...” he made a pause in order to find some more polite way to say 'fatass' “Let's say you could add a healthier diet to your lifestyle. And some excercise. And a liposuction.”  
  
“Aw, come on, guys!” protested Donut, only to change his pout into a genuine smile “Not everything has to be about practicality. I was like you at first, but then I changed my mind in my teenage days: I tried daddy's belt and never went back!”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“Excuse me.” Wash walked to them along with Meta, already irritated by their antics “What are you guys doing here?”  
  
“Oh, heeeey guys!” Donut greeted them way too happily “How are you?”  
  
“You know we're taking in only Doc, right?”  
  
“That's rude.”  
  
“You're showing up uninvited to my house.”  
  
“Relax, Wash! If I were you I'd take inside as many friends as I can, sure, but I knew you wouldn't do it so I just decided to keep Doc some company while Grif drives us here. And also, the best thing of when a friend moves out is helping him handle his package!”  
  
“...”  
  
“Please take him too.” sighed Grif still in the driver's seat.  
  
  


The Meta responded with an ambiguous grunt and threw Doc's few boxes out of his car straight onto the pavement. Donut, not understanding as always, was just about to thank him for the help but a meaner, louder grunt communicated that there was no need.  
The embarrassing silence was broken by Reginald, who finally decided to open his door and grace the group with his presence.  
  
“Hello, David. I see you brought your little friends with you.”  
  
“Yeah, don't mind them, they're _just about to leave_ , right?”  
  
“Ohhh.” at last, Donut understood and got in the car “Okie dokie! Bye!”  
  
After Grif drove away, Reginald raised one eyebrow in smugness as he noticed Doc was still there.  
“Oh bugger. Looks like they forgot one.”  
  
“No, I-I am staying here...With them. To...Provide medical care and so on.”  
  
“Medical care, you say?” a grin appeared under his mustache “Figured dear David here would be too dim to prepare for it.”  
  
“Prepare...For what?” Washington did not pay attention to the insult and paled remembering what York said “Wait...Did you kill someone in this house?”  
  
“Hm...No, not that I remember.”  
  
“That's reassuring.”  
  
“There there. Now, if you would like to quit whinging, I'll welcome you properly.” he then turned to Doc “This house is complete with open space kitchen, two bathrooms, a dressing room and even a large backyard, but...Only two bedrooms, mate.”  
  
“Oh...Well, I guess that's okay, I don't mind sharing.”  
  
The Meta emitted a loud growl and angrily walked into the house, earning a laugh from Reggie and an uneasy expression from Doc and Wash. As the others entered the house as well, Washington followed them and sighed.  
  
“At least it can't be worse than Blood Gulch.”  
  
Something interrupted his thoughts, some sort of repeated noise behind him.  
  
“Tick...Tick...Tick...”  
  
“What is that noise?” he turned around only to see an unusual metallic sphere placed on the doorstep, a little display on it showing a countdown timer “Is that...Is that a bomb?!”  
  
Not even the time for him to gasp that the bomb spoke:  
  
“WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD, DICKHEAD!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lopez's lines:  
> Sigue todo recto hasta el cruce = Continue straight ahead until the crossroad  
> Sí. Bajar el volumen. Eso será de gran ayuda, sin música él hará un trabajo mejor con non comprenderme. = Yes. Turning down the volume. That will be of great help, without music he will do a better job not understanding me.


	2. The Pilot Sitcom Episode - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Washington gets noticed after the explosion. Felix makes a good first impression. Locus, on the other hand...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing Locus and what I learned from this experience is that he is going to be the death of me.  
> Translations for Lorenzo's lines in the notes at the end.

Sunrays filtered through the glass door in one of the bedrooms upstairs, much to Doc's delight. Not that the house was dark, white seemed to be the predominant colour and while it was neat in a minimalist kind of way, it created a cold and aseptic atmosphere. One couldn't expect anything different from Reginald.  
  
“Oh, nice glass door.” he opened it as he walked past the queen sized bed “It's always good when there's plenty of natural light.”  
  
“Hm, I'm not too fond of it. I prefer the small window in the other room, it's more practical for a sniper.”  
  
“Eheh...” Doc let out a nervous laughter “You're joking, right?”  
  
“ _Clearly_.”  
  
The Meta snorted at that response, while Doc felt even more uncomfortable instead and decided to focus on something else.  
“Alright, let's see what the view is like.”

  
From the balcony, he could see the other side of the street: the house in front of his appeared to be linked to the bigger one next to it. It was an overall nice view.  
  
“Ahhh...Finally some peace and q--”  
  
“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!” a panicked Wash interrupted him running across the street with something in his hands and threw it in a nearby trashcan. An explosion followed shortly after.

  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
A young man with short brown hair could now be seen opening the front door of his house, red faced and coming out with a knife in his hand, yelling: “I'M GONNA FUCKING STAB YOU, PRICE!”

  
Doc went back inside the bedroom and closed the glass door of the balcony immediately.  
  
“Actually, you know what? It's a little cold in here, I'll keep this door closed.”

  
  
  
Wash was kneeling on the ground, panting from the agitation. The man with the knife noticed him and gave him a questioning look:  
  
“I've never seen you around before. Who are you?”  
  
“Oh. Um, hi...”he awkwardly got up “I'm new here. I'm Washington.”  
  
“ _Washington._ ” he echoed “Sounds preppy. Are you rich or something?”  
  
“...No?”  
  
“Mh, okay, just checking.” he laughed.  
  
“My first name is David, I just happen to go by my last name.”  
  
“Oh, okay, Wash – can I call you Wash? You can call me Felix.”  
  
“Sure, everyone calls me Wash. Nice to meet you, Felix.”  
  
“ _The pleasure's all mine_.” Felix instinctively played with his knife and grinned, then stopped as he figured that it could result scary to a stranger “Sorry for coming out with a knife, I don't know if you saw the explosion but I've got some...Pretty crazy neighbours to say the least!”

  
Washington froze for a second. Felix raised an eyebrow.  
  
“ _You came near me because of the explosion, right?_ ”  
  
“Yes.” that was one way to put it, Wash thought “I heard the noise and wanted to check if everything was alright...Your house still looks good.”  
  
“Oh yeah, we had to make everything bomb proof after the last accident.”  
  
“The last...Accident?”  
  
“That's what we're calling it these days!” Felix laughed again “Hey, wanna grab a coffee?”  
  
“Thanks, but I should get back in and unpack my stuff--”

  
“Come on, Wash, one cup won't kill you!”  
  
“ _Are you sure?_ ”  
  
“You're funny, dude.” he patted Wash's shoulder “Come on, let's go.”  
  
“I-- ...Okay.”

 

   
“Um...R-Reginald?” Doc paled in fear after closing the glass door.  
  
“Mhm?”  
  
“What was that explosion?!”

  
“Who, Andrew?” he shrugged, completely unbothered “That is my pet bomb.”  
  
“Your what?”  
  
“My pet bomb.”

“...”

“...”  
  
“...You have a pet bomb.”  
  
“ _Had_.”

“And you named it Andrew.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“WHY?!”  
  
“Why, because I couldn't name all my bombs Nigel.” he turned to the Meta “Your friend here is not too bright, is he?”  
  
The Meta snorted loudly, Doc sighed.  
  
“I give up.”

 

Washington followed Felix into his house, admiring the strangely furnished environment: there were objects of every kind that were there only because they were expensive, most of which could've never been useful – unless there was any way a headless and limbless mannequin covered in spikes except for the two diamonds stuck in correspondence of the nipples could be useful, and in that case the problem would've been another...Or was it an art piece? Somehow the idea still wasn't comforting, although it would have made a little bit of sense. It would've been the first thing, that day.  
  
“Here's your coffee.” Felix smiled to his guest as he came back with the beverage.

  
“Thanks.” Wash smiled back timidly and started drinking his coffee, while still looking around.  
  
“Seeing something you like? For the right price, you can buy whatever you want.”  
  
“ **FELIX!** ” a tall and broad man called out his behaviour, dark thick eyebrows enhancing his uneasy expression. Wash couldn't take his eyes off the odd X shaped scar in the middle of his face, light scar tissue contrasting the dark skin.  
  
“Hey, come here.” Felix nodded towards him “We have a guest to welcome.”  
  
“ **Fine.** ” he walked to Washington sitting at the table and ominously stared at him “ **Good afternoon.** ”

“H-heh...Good afternoon. I am Washington.”  
  
“ **You are Washington.** ” he repeated.  
  
“Yeah...And...You are...?”  
  
“ **I am Locus. I am Felix's partner.** ”  
  
“Oh... _OH_. That's...That's nice.”

“ _Business_ partner!” Felix promptly pointed out “Goddammit, Sam--”

“ **CODENAMES**.”  
  
“ _FINE. Locus, goddammit, could you PLEASE not make everything weird for once, thank you? Huh?_ ”  
  
Washington gulped and nervously looked around: “I...I'm gonna go now. Thanks for the coffee.”  
  
He got up to walk away, but as he turned around he couldn't help but let out a high pitched scream of horror when he noticed another man with half of his face covered in burn scars. He brought his hands to his mouth immediately after, like a child who just said something wrong. Locus muttered something, Felix straight up started laughing instead.

  
“Oh God, I'm sorry, I-- I...Didn't see you there.”  
  
“Pft. _Sure_.”

  
“Look, I--”  
  
“ _I know_. I get that a lot.”  
  
“Oh...I'm sorry.”  
  
“So you're the new neighbour. Which one is your house?”  
  
“It's right in front of this one. It was Reginald's, I don't know if you knew hi--”  
  
“Of course I did.”  
  
“Heh, yeah, of course you did.” Washington bit his bottom lip in nervousness.  
  
“Well, pity me again and I will fucking burn it.” he growled at Washington while starting to walk upstairs, stopping for a second before exiting the room “Don't test me. I mean it.”  
A door slamming was heard immediately after.  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“You're really _not_ good at first impressions, are you?”  
  
“...”  
  
Locus slowly turned to give Washington a wistful glance and finally spoke, slightly choked up:  
  
“ **We could bond over that if you want.** ”

 

 

 

“Hm. I suppose that is all for now, chaps.” Reginald twirled his mustache as he was concentrated, trying to remember something “Ah! One more thing. I made sure you have access to my virtual assistant for you to talk to in case you need to activate the cannon or other appliances.”

  
“The _what_ now?”  
  
“Fi-ring-main-can-non.” promptly announced a robotic voice, which Reginald interrupted.  
  
“Not now, Gary, demonstration shots aren't needed at the moment.”  
  
“I-am-he-re-if-you-need-me.”  
  
“You know, I _would_ ask where did you get this equipment or how, but...I feel like I would regret knowing the answer.”  
  
“Oh, I have my sources. Very trustworthy, too.”  
  
“Thanks.” Doc tried not to sigh “I feel safer now.”  
  
“Speaking of my equipment, you wouldn't want to break any of it, it costed a bomb. Quite literally, in Andy's case.”  
  
“Yeah, well, don't worry about it, I won't use the cannon: I'm a pacifist.”  
  
“Fair enough, mate, you can always ask your little friends to shoot some pansies out of it in your honour when you pop your clogs next week. I'm sure they'd agree those are the right flowers.”  
  
Doc took a second to understand what that meant “...Hey! That's rude!”  
  
“On the contrary. We're both aware that you're not making it to next week, I was merely being polite.” he followed the insult with a smug laugh as he walked out of the house “Well, now that we have this sorted out, I'll just leave you the keys and go to work. Pip pip, cheerio!”  
  
“Wait!” Doc ran after him “What about The Meta? He can't talk, what if he needs-- ...Reggie? Where are you?”  
  
Somehow, there was no trace of him even if he was there just two seconds before. As for The Meta, he was still inside, awkwardly looking around in silence. A silence that made Gary impatient.  
  
“You-can-gi-ve-me-com-mands-as-well.”  
  
“...”  
  
“I-will-fi-re-the-can-non-if-you-re-quest-it.”  
  
“...”  
  
“I-gua-ran-tee-you. I-re-fuse-to-o-bey-the-pa-ci-fist.”  
  
“...”  
  
“Are-you-deaf? Make-a-sound-if-you-can-he-ar-me.”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...Hhhhwrrrrggllll.”  
  
“I-al-most-ex-pe-cted-a-fart-sound.”  
  
The Meta 'complied' by replying with a fart sound.  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...I-ap-pre-ci-ate-that.”

 

 

“So, uhh...You guys are business partners.” Washington desperately tried to save his first impression.  
  
“Yep. We've got this nice pub right at the end of the street. It's pretty crowded, courtesy of yours truly's youtube channel! I've had lots of subscribers come and have fun with me. Surely they didn't come because of _Locus_ 's charisma.”  
  
“ **FELIX**.”  
  
“Hey, it's true. So, Wash, when you have time you can just...Y'know, come in one evening and start getting used to the life here, have a couple of drinks and make cool friends. I'll offer you the first round.”  
  
“Oh, thanks. So, wait, you are...Some sort of celebrity?”  
  
“Well, I don't like to brag--”  
  
“ **Yes, you do**.” muttered Locus.  
  
“ _I don't like to brag,_ ” Felix repeated with a clear irritation in his tone “but yeah, I guess I'm a bit of a celebrity. Search Felix McScouty and join the community, my fans are awesome.”  
  
“I'll look it up one of these days.”  
  
“ **It's just him playing pranks and throwing knives.** ”  
  
“Yeah, speaking of which...” he got up and proudly grabbed his knife “Check this out.”  
  
He effortlessly threw his knife all the way across the hall and out of the window, earning an “ _Ow! Felix, what the fuck?!_ ” from a female voice coming from the backyard.  
  
“...Who was that?”  
  
“Don't worry about it.”

 

 

  
Doc was looking around with a puzzled expression, when suddenly he spotted something familiar. An android robot that with a brown paint coating. He happily walked to it immediately.  
  
“No way...! Lorenzo, is that you?”  
  
“Doc?”  
  
“Yeah, it's me, Doc!”  
  
“Ugh.”  
  
“Oh, look at you, you're shiny as ever...Shiny brown.”  
  
“Meh.”  
  
“Hey, we're communicating effectively! Did Loco fix your speech unit?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“You just said 'no' in English, though.”  
  
“[SOSPIRO]. Coglione.”  
  
“I missed you too, buddy!”  
  
“Non è quello che ho detto.”  
  
“What are you doing around here?”  
  
“Quello che faccio sempre: mi alzo la mattina, bevo olio motore e mi chiedo 'ehi, che fine ha fatto Doc?'.”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“Ci vivo, idiota!”  
  
“You live here?! Awesome!”  
  
“Hai capito quello e non hai capito 'idiota'?”  
  
“Really? Right next to my house? This is great, we have a lot to catch up on.”  
  
“...Seriamente?”  
  
“Can I come in? I want to say hi to the guys.”  
  
“Aspetta.” Lorenzo blocked Doc by grabbing his arm “Facciamo così.”  
  
He handed him what looked like a restaurant leaflet.  
“You opened a restaurant?”  
  
“Sì.”  
  
“And the rest of the guys work there as well.”  
  
“Sì.”  
  
“You want me to come to your restaurant?”  
  
“Solo se hai i soldi.”  
  
“Awww, of course! Well, see you soon, then! I'll bring Wash and The Meta with me, I'm sure they too don't want to deal with dirty plates while we're still unpacking. That would be annoying.”  
  
“Non sarebbe la prima cosa, oggi.”

 

 

“And how do you handle fans in the pub when they're so close to your house?”  
  
Felix raised his eyebrows “You're asking if we're afraid of people following us or something?”  
  
“Yeah, I mean, I have a friend that is pretty well known as well and he had to change his residence a couple of times because of that.”  
  
“We usually beat the shit out of anyone who doesn't respect our boundaries. Or mildly inconveniences us if we're drunk enough.”  
  
“ **By 'we' he only means himself.** ”  
  
“Yeah, whatever. Anyway, you were saying? You have a famous friend?”  
  
“Well, he is at the beginning of his career, maybe 'famous' is a bit of a stretch.”  
  
“What is it, Wash,” Felix smirked “you're keeping your cool friends all for yourself?”  
  
“It's not that, he just--”  
  
“I'm kidding, man! I know you just want to protect him.”  
  
“Eh, I might as well tell you. Maine is my roommate now so it's not like you're not going to see him.”  
  
“ **...Maine? As in...Maine 'The Meta' Johnson? The wrestler?** ”  
  
“Oh, you know him?”  
  
“If he knows him? Locus has a huge man crush on him! And when I say 'huge' I mean HUGE.”  
  
“ **FELIX.** ”  
  
“He's always talking about how The Meta looks like the personification of strength and physical prowess, about how cool it is that all we know about him is that he is so devoted to fighting and that he is seven feet of pure, toned, sweaty muscle, and that he would like to find out more.”  
  
“ **Do NOT.** ”  
  
“Locus was morbidly specific about the sweat.”  
  
“ **STOP. TALKING.** ”  
  
Washington couldn't help but laugh at that exchange, finding it light hearted and endearing rather than taking it seriously.  
  
“Heh, I think it's time for me to go. Thank you for the hospitality.”  
  
“You're welcome. Bye!”  
  
“Bye!”  
  
As soon as Washington closed the door, Locus emitted an ambiguous grunt.  
  
“What is it?”  
  
“ **I have to see him.** ”  
  
“Who?”  
  
“ **The Meta.** ”  
  
“Oh, hell no! I worked hard to make a good first impression and you're _not_ ruining it!”  
  
“ **Y** **OU** **are the one that said unconvenient things.** ”  
  
“Uhh, no? You were acting weird and I made a joke out of it to make the situation less awkward!”  
  
“ **...** ”  
  
“No need to thank me.”  
  
“ **Call Girlie.** ”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“ **Call her. I know what to do.** ”  
  
“Oh no."

 

 

Wash, Doc and The Meta spent the next couple of hours unpacking and rearranging items. Little did they know that they were about to receive a visit.  
_Din don!_  
  
“ **Alright.** ” Locus whispered to himself on the other side of the door, rehearsing his 'plan' “ **I bring back the lost object to Washington. Washington thanks me. He invites me in. I meet The Meta. And I tell him--** ”  
  
As soon as he heard someone open the door, Locus squeezed his eyes closed and spoke: “ **I have something that belongs to you, Washington.** ”  
  
“...”  
  
“ **...** ”  
  
“Hhwwehrglh.”  
  
Locus opened his eyes immediately as he realized that The Meta was in front of him, too bad he was already leaving to go call Washington.  
  
“ **WAIT**.”  
  
The Meta didn't wait and now Washington was trying to mask his confusion, without succeeding.  
  
“Oh. Hi, good evening, um...Lucas?”  
  
“ **Locus**.”  
  
“Right. Sorry.”  
  
“ **You forgot something.** ”  
  
“Really? I didn't bring anything with m--”  
  
“ **Here**.”  
  
“...”  
  
“ **...** ”  
  
“It's...A hair?”  
  
“ **It's a blond hair. You are blond.** ”  
  
“...You're joking, right?”

 

 

 

Locus turned back to meet the gaze of Felix, Sharkface and Girlie that were staring at him from the window.  
  
Sharkface rolled his eyes in annoyance. “I thought you wanted to defend your good first impression.”  
  
“Yeah, well, I do, but also I wanted to have a laugh or two seeing if his weird obsession made him stupid enough to do it for real. Turns that it does and it's hilarious.”  
  
“You could have made him take any other object and it would have worked.”  
  
“Yeah, that was the original plan, actually. He just wanted Girlie's _opinion_ because she was eavesdropping, and--”  
  
“The fuck?!” whined Girlie “I wasn't eavesdropping.”  
  
“Yes you were, why did you think I threw a knife at you?”  
  
“Uhh, because I stabbed your ass the other day? _Duh_.”  
  
“Yeah, well, either way, as soon as she came in I talked Locus into doing the hair thing, just to mess with him. Any problems with that, Fishstick?”  
  
“Tsk...Like I care.”  
  
“Wait.” Girlie's top lip quivered in disgust “ _That_ was what you needed my hair for?!”  
  
“...”  
  
“That's _so_ fucking gross I almost want you to stab me again.”

 

   
  
“...”  
  
“ **...** ”  
  
“...”  
  
“ **...** ”  
  
“...I'm going to close this door, now.”  
  
“ **Understandable.** ”  
  
Another, briefer, moment of silence followed. Washington was completely creeped out.  
  
“...Are you going to _leave_?”  
  
“ **Yes, eventually.** ”  
  
“You're gonna leave _right now_. Do I need to call The Meta?”  
  
“ **That won't be necessary.** ”  
  
“Good.” Wash concluded coldly, at which Locus realized, although a bit too late.  
  
“ **No. Wait. Call The M--** ”  
  
The door slammed shut in his face.  
  
“ **...Huh. Unfortunate.** ”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lorenzo's lines:  
> [SOSPIRO]. Coglione. = [SIGH]. Jackass.  
> Non è quello che ho detto. = That is not what I said.  
> Quello che faccio sempre: mi alzo la mattina, bevo olio motore e mi chiedo 'ehi, che fine ha fatto Doc?' = What I always do: I get up in the morning, I drink motor oil and I wonder 'hey, what happened to Doc?'  
> Ci vivo, idiota! = I live here, you idiot!  
> Hai capito quello e non hai capito 'idiota'? = You understood that and you didn't understand 'idiot'?  
> ...Seriamente? = Seriously?  
> Aspetta. Facciamo così. = Wait. Let's do like this.  
> Sì = Yes  
> Solo se hai i soldi = Only if you have the money  
> Non sarebbe la prima cosa, oggi = It wouldn't be the first thing, today.


	3. Small world, huh? (The Bad Time at Restaurant Sitcom Episode)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doc, one the most annoying people ever, takes Wash and the Meta to Lorenzo's restaurant. There, they find out that the main chef, Mark Temple also known as 'Marco Tempio', has a tragic backstory. Backstory that is revealed when a customer in particular walks in. Little did they know what was going to happen next...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy late birthday, Mercy! I shall dedicate you this chapter and why not, the entire fic since I'm at it! You said you wanted Temple content and here's where he debuts in this silly story so I figured...Why not? Enjoy :D  
> Also: the Director is introduced here so expect my trademark keysmashing.

Washington was sitting on the passenger seat of the car, crossing his arms and distractedly looking at the moon through the window while the Meta drove and Doc was in the back seat. He mumbled in annoyance:  
  
“Just because you did something useful it doesn't mean that I want to keep you as a roommate forever. As soon as you find a place to go, pack your things. We don't need any more issues.”  
  
“You know, sometimes a simple thank you is enough.” replied Doc “Just thank you. Without mean additions.”  
  
The Meta snorted, much to Wash's annoyance.  
“You think this is funny?”  
  
“Hwrghl.” he shrugged as he swerved towards a parking lot “Qrrrwl wharglssssshh grgl?”  
  
“Oh, don't worry about that, the meal is all on the house. The owners of the place are my old friends, they promised they'd let me have free meals forever so it's probably going to extend to you guys too.”  
  
“Are you sure, Doc? I don't want any surprises.”

 

“Of course, those guys love me!”  
  
The Meta stopped the car abruptly.  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“Why are you looking at me like that?”  
  
“Hrrhhhlll.” the Meta turned off the car and exited, slamming the door a little bit too hard.  
  
“Woah, easy on the car, please! It's rented, remember?” Doc turned to Wash “Why did you decide to rent a car anyway? We could've arrived here on foot.”  
  
“On foot?!” he repeated incredulously.  
  
“Yeah, it could have saved the effort of doing all the renting and stuff.”  
  
“ _On foot. To save some effort._ We could've just stayed in, then.”  
  
“Well, yeah, but after all that unpacking who wants to do the dishes?”  
  
“So your most logic solution to that is eating out by going _on foot. To save some effort_.”  
  
“Ah, you know what I meant...Still, you could get yourself a car.”  
  
“No, thanks.”  
  
“An electric car, maybe!” Doc ignored his response and continued enthusiastically.  
  
“No.”  
  
“You can find very cheap ones, too.”  
  
“Absolutely not.”  
  
“It's very easy, really, you just have to know where to look.”  
  
“Ugh.”  
  
“...And thank God I always bring a pocket catalogue with me just to make sure, because it's never the wrong time or place to learn something about making the right choices for the environment!”  
  
“DOC!”  
  
“Oh. I'm sorry.” he lowered his head “I shouldn't have said 'thank God'. It wasn't very inclusive.”  
  
“I-- Ugh, I don't even know why we're talking about this, anyway, I'm pretty sure that everybody is aware that cars--” not even the time to finish the sentence that Wash found himself with the car door in his hand as he tried to get off the vehicle “...Hate me.”  
  
Washington 'quietly' put the door down and snuck out of the car while Doc simply came out from the other side. They walked towards the entrance of the restaurant in complete and awkward silence.  
  
“...So...” commenced Wash, eyeing the sign outside “Da Lorenzo pizza restaurant. Have you ever eaten here?”  
  
“No, I lost contact with my friends a long time ago, but luckily today I met Lorenzo who gave me the flier. Small world, huh? Finally I'll see them again after years. It's gonna be fun!”  
  
“I'm happy for you.” Wash's voice actually lacked irritation for a second, until the Meta came back outside with a sad expression on his face “What is it?”  
  
“Gsssssssshhhhhhrrrl.” he flailed his hands, pointing at his damaged throat “Qwwwrrr!”  
  
“Oh. Right. I'll talk to them.”  
  
“Maybe you should learn American Sign Language.” prompted Doc “That way you won't depend on others.”  
  
“ _GWRHL_.” The Meta grabbed him by his shirt.  
  
“Eek! I'm sorry!” he yelped “I didn't – I didn't mean to sound passive aggressive, it was a genuine suggestion! P-please don't kill me!”  
  
The Meta put him down and stormed off. He followed him inside along with Wash. A robot greeted them.  
  
“Buonasera.”  
  
“Heh. Good evening.”  
  
“Avete prenotato?”  
  
“I, uh...” he turned to Doc “Doc? What is this?”  
  
“It's Lorenzo, the owner of the restaurant. Hey, Lorenzo!”  
  
“Oddio, di nuovo tu.”  
  
“Remember the free meal you promised when you started investing to open the restaurant?”  
  
“Gratis...Dovresti darmi un extra solo perché ti ho fatto entrare.”  
  
“I know, right? It looks you're having a busy day!”  
  
“Già.”  
  
“Do you have any free tables left? We didn't reserve, but you kn--”  
  
“No. Andate via.”  
  
“Oh well, we can just wait.”  
  
“Per favore no--.”  
  
Everyone was distracted by an employee heralding the chef, passing among the tables:  
  
“Ladies and gentlemen, it's story time with our smart, amazing, passionate...” he stopped a second to read some smudged writing on the palm of his hand “...Innovative head chef! Please stay glued to your seats and enjoy your high quality meal as I prepare the atmosphere. Marco Tempio, everyone!”  
  
Confused clapping ensued. The chef took off his hat and made a bow in the now dim lights, twirling flamboyantly as most people stared at him with a puzzled expression and a few selected – probably the regular costumers – with an annoyed one, music playing from God knows where. Wash noticed that there was indeed a free table and decided to sit there with the others because he simply wanted to get this over with.  
  
“Thanks, Gene.” he put a hand on his heart quite flamboyantly and cleared his throat “So...Let me tell you the story, as my audience – ahem, I mean my most affectionate costumers, have spread the word and got new people in this restaurant to have a first taste of the Marco Tempio experience!”  
  
“This guy is so full of himself...” commented Wash, turning to Doc “Is he any good, at least?”  
  
“I hope so!” replied Doc “He's using a pseudonym, he must be taking this art form seriously...”  
  
“I am a descendant of the Tempio family,” the chef announced dramatically “a family of Italian noblemen. And when I came to the Americas I met a man– may his soul forever rest in peace -, a man with a dream. His name was Lorenzo and he was a poor immigrant. He came here in hopes of a better future, and here he did put everything in his work - his blood, sweat and tears, everything for that better future. He wanted to earn it without ever forgetting his roots, what made him the man he was. So he opened this restaurant, preparing food with love, following all the traditional recipes. Yet one day, he became old and plagued by a horrible disease. He was laying in bed, unable to get up, and I sat there at his side. He grabbed my hand and he said “Marco...” . I already knew what I had to do and I said--”  
  
“POLO!” someone yelled from the kitchen afar. Everyone tried to hold back laughter because that seemed to be a horrible mistake on part of whoever said that, but God was it funny. Tempio smiled at the 'crowd' and walked a few steps towards the kitchen door, making sure he was 'discreet' while yelling “GODDAMMIT, LOCO, DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHILE I'M MONOLOGUING, YOU FUCK!”. He quickly returned to his act: “...And I said “Don't worry, I will be here for you no matter what.” and he, as he died in my arms, said “Marco--””  
  
“POLO!” another yell from the kitchen, this time it was someone else, who tried to correct himself and then just grumbled “Ah. Dangnabbit. He got us again.”  
  
“He said, ' _Marco, I want you to take care of my restaurant and continue the tradition._ _'_ and so I did.” he made a bow “And while I, with my incomparable skill, have made the history of this place, I didn't want to dishonour Lorenzo's memory, so that is why we have a new version of him.” he gestured towards Lorenzo, who didn't have a face but somehow let it know that he was done with the storytelling.  
  
“Avremo anche fatto rifornimento, ma i clienti non possono bere tutte queste stronzate.”  
  
Everyone clapped anyway, fascinated by the devotion narrated in the story. Whether it was a true story or not, most people couldn't tell. Doc, for one, didn't seem convinced – he had already known Lorenzo as a robot before, but maybe creating some sort of fictional lore for the restaurant was either an innovative idea or a cool trend that he didn't have the right to stop.  
  
Washington, getting impatient, tried to call a waiter who was busy talking – or rather, hitting on a woman in a nearby table.  
  
“Excuse me. Could you bring us the menu?”  
  
“Uhh, no, dude. I am busy here, can't you see? Anyway, I was saying--”  
  
“Oh, Buckey, don't be so hard!” another waiter approached the trio “Good evening. I am Cronut and I will be your waiter. Here are the menus.”  
  
“Thank you.” Wash made an acknowledging downwards nod as Cronut put the menus on the table and started reading “I see this restaurant specializes mostly in dishes with fish.”  
  
“Oh yes.” he turned to Lorenzo “Loreeeeeenzoooo? Vuoi fa' pesce e pesce?”  
  
“TI ODIO.”  
  
“Ahem, he said that we ran out of fish.” explained Cronut “You can choose something from our pizza menu or order pasta. Or! You could try our meat!”  
  
“Hell yeah!” laughed Buckey, still talking to the woman at the table “I'm sure you'll love my meat! Ah boom chicka wah wah!”  
  
“I recommend our cannelloni, they're deeeeelicious!” smiled Cronut “It's a cylindric pasta shape, where the holes are stuffed with fresh meat, and they're covered in a hot, tasty, thick, white liquid melted mozzarella that you can feel all the way down your throat.”  
  
“And it's very filling too, if you know what I mean!” Buckey winked.  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“I'm just gonna order from the pizza menu.”  
  
“Okay.”

 

“Hrrrrllsssschhhh.” the Meta 'spoke', letting Cronut with a puzzled expression. Wash translated for him.  
  
“He wants a diavola, I'll have a four seasons and...What do you want Doc, a margherita?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
“Alright.” the waiter took notes “Diavola, four seasons, and margherita. Anything to drink? These pizzas will get you thirsty!”  
  
“Just natural water, thanks.”  
  
“Good! We'll bring them here hot and ready for you! I hope you enjoy your stay!”  
  
“Thanks...”  
  
  
After a while, they received their pizzas and started eating them. They were pretty good, and for that reason they decided to eat slowly, just relaxing and enjoying the meal calmly. It could be a nice evening after all, and it was...Until a new costumer arrived.  
It was a young woman in her late twenties – really pretty, with long red hair in a ponytail and green eyes – who came alone, she seemed to be in a hurry and was probably simply stopping by because whatever she had to do was near the zone. She sat at a small table on her own and when the chef noticed her from the kitchen he screamed. Literally.  
  
“YOU! YOU WITCH! YOU FIEND!” he screeched as he walked menacingly towards her “HOW DARE YOU COME INTO MY RESTAURANT?!”  
  
“Uhhh...” she looked confused “Do I know you?”  
  
“WHAT?!”

 

“Am I supposed to know why you're mad at me?”  
  
“THE INSOLENCE!” he became even angrier “THE AUDACITY! THE SHAMELESSNESS!”  
  
“What did I do?”  
  
“What did you do?! WHAT DID YOU DO?! Well, let's see if this brings something to your memory, _Carolina_.” he took a deep breath “Capture. The. Flag.”

 

“Oh my God...Temple? Small world, huh?”  
  
“That's right. Ever since that day, I swore I would get my revenge! Now I am successful and you are a failure! The tables have turned!”  
  
“How do you know I am a failure?” she asked, then got really nervous and tried to rephrase the wording of that sentence “How do you possibly know if I am a failure or not? We haven't met since middle school!”  
  
“Well, I had time. To plot against you. To plan all the things to do to ruin your life! And now that I found you...Watch out!”

 

“Ruin my l-- why? It's not my fault the flag I grabbed got stuck and your pants fell down in front everyone during gym class...”  
  
Customers were shocked. Some were trying really hard not to laugh. Some instead didn't care and just cackled out loud.  
  
“Yes it is, and Biff laughed at me! He was one of the coolest kids, we were almost becoming friends! But it didn't happen because of the humiliation YOU put me through!”  
  
“Oh please, it was just an accident. I'm sure that if you find him you can laugh about it and bond over th--”  
  
“I DID LOOK FOR HIM TO SEE WHAT HE'S UP TO! HE'S DEAD!”  
  
“ _Oh_.”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“Well. That's tragic.”  
  
“Ya think?!” Temple was enraged “NOW GET OUT OF MY RESTAURANT, YOU FUCKING DISGRACE!”  
  
“Alright, alright, I'm going.” she raised her hands as she started heading out “Jeez...”  
  
A long moment of silence followed. Doc decided to speak after a while.  
  
“I think I like your Italian nobleman backstory better.”  
  
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

 

“Hey.” Wash mumbled to Doc “Don't provoke the guy. I know he's your friend, but I wouldn't want him to decide the meal's not free anymore...”  
  
“Oh, come on, Wash. Even if he did that – and he won't – it's not like he will make us do the dishes!” he laughed, at first normally and then nervously “That only happens in movies, right? ...Right?”

 

“ _Oh, come on Wash_ , he said.” Wash was clearly displeased with what happened afterwards “ _They won't make us do the dishes_ , he said.” he squeezed the sponge violently, making it drip soap “ _THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES_ , HE SAID!”  
  
“In my defense, I didn't know that the storytelling part had a price on its own.”  
  
“Gwwwwrgggghhhlll.”  
  
“Oh yeah, that part too.” Wash continued ranting “Funny how the idea was to eat here to save the effort of doing the dishes.”  
  
“Listen, I--”  
  
“Whatever. I'm going to the bathroom.”

 

 

Wash took off his gloves, entered the bathroom, did his business and then pondered as he saw the window. He figured that he could leave that idiot there to teach him a lesson. So he snuck outside through the window and walked across the parking lot. He noticed the girl that Temple had mistreated standing at the bus stop.  
  
“Oh, hi there...Carolina, right?”  
  
“Yeah.” she didn't seem to mind him knowing her name.  
  
“I was at the restaurant and saw how the chef treated you. That guy is crazy!”  
  
“You can say that again.” she nodded, then sighed “Ugh, I've been waiting for this damn bus for an hour! I could've walked all the way to where I have to go!”  
  
“Maybe I can take you there, if you want. Where do you need to go?”  
  
“Irredee Mable Street.”  
  
“It's where I live!”  
  
“No way.”  
  
“Yeah!”  
  
“Oh.” she laughed nervously “Great. So, uh, do we walk to your car?”  
  
“Um.” he turned to look at the rented car, that was now missing more than a door somehow “...Let's say that at this point it's better if we go on foot. To save some effort.”

“Fine by me.”  
  
They started walking together towards the destination, not uncomfortable but a little nervous.  
  
“So...Heh.” Washington tried to start a conversation “You went to school with the chef.”  
  
“Yeah. He was a weird theatre kid at the time.”  
  
“Somehow that's not surprising!”  
  
They both laughed. Then they shook their heads and kept walking in silence for a while, after that Carolina spoke.  
  
“Are you new in Irredee Mable Street? I go there often and I don't remember you.”  
  
“Got here today. I'm Washington, by the way.”  
  
“Nice to meet you. Oh! That guy that was sitting next to you...He looks like that new wrestler, The Meta.”  
  
“It's him.”  
  
“Really? That's great! Can I ask you to get me an autograph? I am a fan of his.”  
  
“Sure.” he smiled.  
  
“Well. This is my stop.” pointed out Carolina as they reached destination, which was two houses away from Wash's apparently “Thank you for keeping me company.”  
  
“No problem. Okay, so...See ya.”  
  
“See ya!”

 

 

Wash took advantage of the unsual quietness to go to bed early. When he woke up, he found the Meta staring at him in disappointment, probably for leaving him with Doc. That mood didn't seem to last much, though, as with Doc being so annoying he would've probably done the same. That morning, however, he tried to be useful again, starting to prepare something in the kitchen. Washington was about to go see but someone rang the doorbell and he opened the door.  
It was someone he didn't know, a man holding a cake, probably one of the neighbours. He looked like he was in his early fifties, and was handsome yet odd, as he had very thick glasses and was awkwardly tall – taller than the Meta but while broad still not as built, looking like an extremely long bearded noodle. A pale noodle that hadn't seen the sun in years.  
  
“Um...Hello?”  
  
“Morniyen'.” the man spoke, with a thick southern accent “Ah heuhrd wiee haed nyoo nayghbourz so laz juhst git thes shiet ouvah wyeth.”  
  
“Oh. Heh...Thank you.”  
“Mh. Ah mayde cayeke fo' ya.”  
  
“Aww! It was not necessary, really. But thank you so much.” he took the cake in his hands “Oh, it's so well decorated! Did you do it?”  
  
“Ya gawt uh prawblum wyeth dat?”  
  
“No, I just-- I just wanted to compliment you for it.”  
  
“Cawmplimentz. Whawt am Ah, uh fuckin' kyeed needyen' cawmplemuntz?”  
  
“I--”  
  
“Ah'm priedy shore Ah caen mayke uh gawddayum cayke, yanno. Ah'm uh GROWN AEZ MAN aen' Ah shore caen do stuhf wyethaht gettin' hurt! Dusuhnt myeen aenyethang dat Ah'm nawt uhllahd neeuh knahvs."  
  
"..."  
  
"Or faiyauh."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Or eggsplosevz.”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“Okaye, bah--”  
  
“Leonard...” another man was now out the door, putting a hand on the other's arm as to hold him back, except this one guy looked like the complete opposite of him and not only was probably a whole foot shorter but was way too scrawny to possibly hold him down with one hand. Not that it was what he was trying to do, it most likely was some sort of affectionate or at least protective gesture. Or at least that was what Wash deduced, because otherwise it would've been creepy, also it could've been because of the previous day but he was feeling a little puzzled that morning.  
  
“Please excuse him.” he accompanied with a smile what he said, which naturally wouldn't sound terrifying but his voice was something...It was _something_ , yeah. To say the least. “He is wary of new people.”  
  
“It's alright. That's understandable.” Wash considered holding back his next comment but he didn't “Especially in a zone with a complicated neighbourhood.”  
  
“Oh, you already met Felix and Locus.”  
  
Wash couldn't help but laugh at that response.  
  
“God, are they really that weird?”  
  
“I suppose it's a matter of perspective.” he shrugged “He is Doctor Leonard Church and I am Doctor Aiden Price. It's nice to meet you, Washington.”  
  
“Nice to mee-- Wait. How do you know my name? I didn't say what my name was.”  
  
“...Are you sure?”

“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“Now, if you excuse us, we're going to take care of some...Business.” he spoke more quietly to Leonard “You still have to take your medicine...”  
  
“Yah, uh, waell. Wie're goin' nah. Uh, Ah hohpe y'awll enjoeh tha cayke. Mah wahf haelped me doo et.” he muttered something under his breath "Baestauhrdz wawn't seuhrve heuh whaen wiee eeat aht so Ah gawtuh doo awl tha cookyien'.."  
  
“And I'm sure she did a great job with it.” Aiden patted his shoulder in a very patronizing way.  
  
“Yieffya dunt stawp tawkin' tuh meh lahk dat Ah'm gawnuh kyeuhll ya wyeth...” he looked around for a second and then pointed at something in the distance “Dat rawck spuhcyefecully.”

 

Wash chuckled as they walked away. They were alarming singularly but together they made an endearing duo. Or maybe it was wishful thinking, but come on, it was impossible that all the neighbours were going to be crazy, right?  
  
“GAWDDAYUMMET!”  
  
Hearing Dr Church shout, Washington decided to go out and check what was happening. He was surprised to see Carolina was the one he was yelling at. She probably didn't notice Wash because he could see her silhouette from afar, maybe it wasn't even her? She was pushing a wheelchair. Sitting very still on the wheelchair there was a woman that didn't even look like she was breathing.  
  
“GAWDDAYUMMET, CAER'LAHNA!” Dr Church seemed really mad at her “HAH MAENYE TAHMZ?! HAH MAENYE TAHMS DYIEED AH TEUHLL YUH NAWT TUH TAYKE YO' MUHTHA AHT WYETH THES HYEEAT?! SHIE CUHD GIT UH SUHNBEUHRN!”  
  
Washington got closer, passing Dr Church and Dr Price that glared at him, to verify that the girl was indeed the same Carolina he had met.  
  
“Carolina...?”  
  
Hearing him, she flinched, and her mother sitting on the wheelchair turned out to be a mannequin, that crumbled into pieces on the ground. Wash stared at them in shock.  
  
“Washington! Heh...Small world, huh?”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“...”  
  
“Don't tell Temple that I live like this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation of Lorenzo's lines:  
> Buonasera = Good evening.  
> Avete prenotato? = Did you reserve?  
> Oddio, di nuovo tu = Oh God, you again.  
> Gratis...Dovresti darmi un extra solo perché ti ho fatto entrare = For free...You should give me an extra just because I let you in  
> Già = Right  
> No. Andate via. = No. Go away.  
> Per favore no = Please don't  
> Avremo anche fatto rifornimento, ma i clienti non possono bere tutte queste stronzate = We might've gotten a supply, but the costumers can't buy (lit. drink) all this bullshit  
> Vuoi fa pesce e pesce? = Do you want to do fish and fish? (Italian meme: fish is another way to say dick)  
> Ti odio = I hate you


	4. Alternative families (The wacky neighbours sitcom episode)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Tucker, Washington gets his first taste of...Whatever the Charon crew is up to. Carolina looks for him to thank him, but accidentally causes Doc to get overly excited about alternative families.  
> Basically, Felix gets Dangerous for the vine and Carolina has two dads but NOT in that way. Chaos ensues. Doc gets hit by a car at some point but he was annoying everyone nobody really minded that part tbh.

Washington was staring at the clock with an exhausted expression. Which normally wouldn’t have been helpful, but this time the clock had stopped at noon, which was several hours ago, so he was feeling even worse. York came out of the storage room only to find him groaning.

“You okay, man?”

“No, not really. This week has not been very good for business,” sighed Washington “the shop is empty again.”

“Aw, come on man, we’re in the middle of summer! Of course there are gonna be less people around, they’re going on vacation.”

“Right, and who’s selling everything useful for camping trips? Us.  That’s who, _York_.”

“Okay, but not everyone wants to go camping, _Wash_.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t think I’m gonna keep this open for much longer. And Connie hasn’t come in over a month, for some reason…”

“Oh, yeah, I meant to ask you about that.” nodded York as he locked the door of the storage room “What the hell is she up to?”

“I have no idea. The only thing I know is that _if no one enters that door in the next ten seconds, whatever happens will not be my problem for the rest of the day_.”

 

 

“WASH!”

Not even the time for him to finish that sentence that Tucker had run into the shop, panting with his son in his arms. Because of course someone had to come in at that point. York laughed.

“Tucker! What’s wrong?”

“I have to go find K! She went to a rave yesterday and still hasn’t come back!”

“Oh, don’t worry, she must be just too wasted to come early.” York shrugged.

“Of course she’s wasted, asshole! But I gotta go because there’s been a brawl, with injured people and shit, AND SHE WON’T ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE!”

“Oh boy. Do you need me to take you to the hospital to see if she’s there?”

“No, just watch Junior until I am back, I’ll go on my own.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure, or why the fuck would’ve I run all the way to here?! Can you do that?”

“Yes, but—” Tucker didn’t let him finish and handed Junior to him.

“Oh, thank God, one less problem.”

“Is there any, uh…” Wash looked down at Junior “Any instruction that I need to follow?”

“It’s a kid, dude, not a fucking IKEA bookshelf!”

“I meant, does he have specific needs that I have to be aware of?”

“He’s three, he needs the stuff that every three year old needs, can I go now?!”

“Okay, but—"

“Oh, no, wait I almost forgot: I was about to take him to his friends’ house to play with them, it should be near where you live now. Irredee something, I don’t know.”

“Ireedee Mable Street?”

“Yeah. His friends’ last name is Chain, so see if you find it, or call me.”

“Sure. Okay, I’ll take him there. Let me know if you find Kai. Bye!”

Tucker rushed out of the shop. “Bye!”

“Ugh…”

York smiled at Wash.

“On the bright side, you wanted to close the shop anyway.”

“Yeah…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll drive you there. Taking the bus with Tucker’s kid sounds like asking for trouble, anyway!”

“Thanks.”

 

 

Washington held the child tight while York drove him to destination, and Junior himself didn’t seem to be uncomfortable with it. York found it entertaining.

“Look, the kid likes you. You should have your own, one day.”

“Me?!” he scoffed “As if I didn’t need to get more sleep already.”

“Okay, you’re right, it’s just…You know.” He shrugged “Oh well. I’ll drop you here, now. I’ll find something to do but hey, if you need me to come here just give me a ring before I make plans .”

“Oh, right. Your date’s waiting for you again?”

“Not today, but we can still arrange something. She’s pretty cool.”

“Heh. I met a pretty cool girl too, a couple of days ago.”

“NO WAY! You’ve never dated anyone for all the time I’ve known you. Who is she?”

“Oh, no, we’re not dating. I just met her once and thought she was cool. I thought I would’ve liked to make friends with her, that’s it, also you know I’m not the dating type.”

York ignored the explanation and kept gushing about the idea “What’s her name?”

“Carolina.”

“You’re kidding!” he was surprised “My chick too is named Carolina!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! What does she look like?”

“Um…” he squinted a bit to remember “I remember she was tall, very tall. And she had red hair and green eyes.”

“Mine too! Dude, I think it’s the same!”

Wash laughed nervously “Oh, wow.”

“When you get a girl let me know and the four of us can hang out together!”

Wash bit his lip.

“Uh, that would be nice, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

“That’s only because you’re too shy.”

“Well, I don’t know about th—”

“I see how girls look at you, and let me tell ya—”

“York…”

“They wanted a taste, man!” he winked.

“I…I don’t see that.”

“Eh, I mean, why not? You kinda have your appeal, I guess.”

“I…Thanks?”

“Can’t put my finger on what is it exactly, but hey—”

“York—"

“Who knows, maybe it’s the freckles, maybe it’s the innocent look…”

“I—”

“Heh, they probably saw you being all dorky and thought ‘Oooh, I want to corrupt that!’”

“YORK!” Wash’s face flushed red.

“And that’s not even just the girls, even the guys look at you, so you know, just in case…”

“WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!”

Junior laughed at that exchange, which prompted Wash to sigh.

“Well…Thanks for the ride, I’m gonna go now. Bye.”

“Bye!”

 

 

Washington got out of the car and, with Junior in his arms, started looking for the last name that Tucker mentioned. He found the name ‘Damon Chain” and assumed it was the right one. He rang the doorbell and a man in his thirties with a prosthetic arm opened the door. He had bags under his eyes and an exhausted expression.

“Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want?!” the neighbour welcomed him.

“I am Washington, the new neighbour.” he forced a smile and then glanced down at Junior “Tucker wanted me to bring Junior so that he could play with your kid.”

“ _Kids_.”

“Oh, you have two?”

“Twins. Spawned from Hell.” Wash chuckled at that response, but Damon interrupted him “So this is funny to you? How do you think I lost my arm?!”

Wash stopped laughing immediately. The man just groaned and idly turned his head towards the door of another room.

“Ugh, fine. Let me call them, then.” He sighed and then proceeded to start yelling “GUY! GAL! GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE, NOW!”

“You named your children Guy and Gal?”

“I don’t have fantasy with names, okay? This is why my sister shouldn’t have let me name Denise and Denephew.”

“I…What?”

“Eh, fuck it, let’s go outside. We’ve got a pool in the backyard. And the boss isn’t here so you won’t see anything I’d regret showing you later.”

“Like what?”

“Like old men in swimwear. Unless you’re into it. In that case, get the fuck out of my house.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“My name’s Washington, by the way. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Damon. Let’s go.”

 

 

Damon lead Wash outside without saying anything or showing him the house first, simply accompanying him across a long corridor cluttered with miscellaneous items and with children’s scribbles all over the walls. Then they arrived next to the glass door, crossed it and found themselves in a very large backyard that seemed to be extended behind at least three houses, connecting them.  It was mostly a private sunbathing area, with a large pool and a small garden in the distance.

“Oh, there they are.” Damon pointed at his children, who were wearing bags on their heads depicting a smiley face and a frowning face respectively, beating up something with a stick under a tree. They laughed and ran away as they spotted Wash. He gulped.

“Are they…Are they always like this?” he instinctively held Junior tighter.

“I wish!” he laughed bitterly, only to turn around and nod in acknowledgment at someone in the distance “Oh, look. McScouty’s making a video.”

“Who?”

Washington turned to see as well, and there Felix was, trying poses in front of the camera.

“Ah, yes, this is going to be awesome!” he smiled while looking at himself through the lenses, then proceeded to get annoyed immediately and started yelling “LOCUS! COME HERE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

“ **I told you I’m not doing this.** ”  he emerged from a corner with an unamused expression.

“You’re the only one who has the right voice for it, so get it together and help me, okay?”

“ **I will NOT sing that theme.** ”

“Well, that’s too bad, because I need it for my video to earn money, and I am not nice when I can’t get my money. “

“ **Felix…** ”

“Come on!” he fluttered his eyelashes “Sharkface is even swimming in circle with a shark fin on his back!”

A dreary splashing noise was heard as Felix pointed to the pool. Locus sighed.

“ **Fine. I will only try it once. If it’s good enough then I partake to the video, if not I will leave.** ”

“Deal. Let’s hear.”

“ **Duuunn duun…Duuuuun duun…** ” Locus had the most pained expression while attempting a rendition of the Jaws theme “ **Duuuuuun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun—** ”

“What the hell is going on?” Wash, still holding Junior, couldn’t help but ask as he heard them from afar. Locus noticed and turned towards him immediately.

“ **Washington is here.** ”

“Oh!” Felix seemed delighted “WASH! HEY, MAN, WANNA BE PART OF OUR VIDEO?”

Wash side eyed Damon, trying to ask for help “Uh…What do I do in this situat—”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m going to take a nap.” he simply shrugged, yawning as he walked back in “Wake me up when the bullshit is over.”

 

 

In the meantime, Doc heard someone ring the doorbell and opened the door.

“Hello. You look familiar, have we met?”

“Yes, I’m Carolina, you saw me in Temple’s restaurant.”

“Oh! I’m Frank DuFresne, but everyone calls me Doc.”

“Nice to meet you, Doc.” she smiled and shook his hand, a bit too tightly maybe.

“Ow! Wow, you’ve, uh, you’ve got a very strong grip!” Carolina chuckled at that, at which Doc let out an embarrassed laughter “I’m making coffee, do you want a cup?”

“Sure.” She nodded as she got in “Thanks.”

“Um, Gary, would please notify the Meta that we have guests?”

A bleeping sound followed.

“Done. I-sent-a-mes-sage-to-the-Me-ta. He-should-come-down-the-stairs-in-ap-pro-xi-ma-tely-five…Four…Three…Two…O-ne.”

“Hwherglrarrrschhh.” The Meta hissed as he came down the stairs, then squinted as he saw Carolina “Hrrrggwwr.”

“It’s Carolina.” Doc explained “The girl from the restaurant.”

“Gwwrawrl.” he sat at the table, inviting her to do the same with a gesture “Qrrrl.”

“Thank you.” She sat as well “Heh. So you’re really the Meta…”

“Schwarghrarl.” He nodded solemnly.

“Oh. I…I’m a big fan. I would love to become a wrestler like you.”

“Hwrghl.” He casually reached for a napkin and signed it for her, then looked at Doc with a puzzled expression “Qwhrlrg Gggschhh wrrrl?”

“Oh, no, she didn’t come here for this, she came for—” he turned to Carolina as he switched off the cooker “I’m sorry, what was it you came for?”

“I wanted to thank Washington for taking me home the other day.”

“Wash is not home right now.” Doc poured the freshly made coffee in three mugs and brought them at the table “He should be still at work, but when he comes back, I’ll tell him.”

“Oh, alright. Thank you.”

“How much sugar do you want in your coffee?”

“Seven spoons, thank you.”

“…”

“…”

“I’m sorry, how many?”

“Seven spoons, please.”

“That’s…That’s a lot of spoons, miss.”

“Yeah.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“I just need some extra sweetness, sometimes...” she quietly mumbled.

“Right.” he started pouring the seven spoons of sugar, making the Meta hiss, and becoming more and more disgusted as he did “Anything else? Milk?”

“No, thanks, I’m good.”

Carolina drank all her disgusting coffee in one sip.  The Meta emitted some approving growl, he seemed impressed.

“Oh.” She suddenly remembered “Did he tell you something about me?”

“No, why do you ask?”

“Nothing!” she answered way too quickly, then tried to look casual “Just wondering! Heh…”

“Is everything alright?” Doc was genuinely concerned.

“Well, I…” she interrupted herself with a sigh “I have to tell you something.”

“Oh. Is it bad?”

“I guess. It’s…It’s complicated.” She curled her lips, pondering the right way to say it “I’m one of your neighbours too, and I live with my dad. I do my best to take care of him, but he is…Ill.”

“Oh my Gosh, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do? I’m a nurse, I can offer medical assistance if you need help.”

“Thank you, but it’s not the physical kind of illness. Also, my other dad is doing all the work, so…”

“You have two dads?” Doc was ecstatic for some reason “I’ve always wanted to know an alternative family!”

“Yeah, my family is very…Alternative.”

“Don’t worry, we have absolutely no problems with that, right Meta?”

“GGrrwrlr!” The Meta nodded enthusiastically.

“No, you don’t understand.” Carolina was distressed “My dad can have violent reactions because of his problem. So, if you see him with a doll…Don’t touch it. Please try to understand.”

“A doll?”

“Yeah…He’s still not over mom’s death, and so he’ll…” her voice cracked a little “He’ll carry the doll around and talk to it like it’s her.”

“Oh…” Doc brought a hand to his mouth “I’m so sorry…This is so sad…”

A bleeping sound followed, and Gary spoke.

“Play-ing-de-spa-ci-to.”

 

 

The camera started rolling and Felix was in front of it with an evil grin on his face and a newborn baby in his hands.

“Hello youtube, McScouty here with a new challenge! Today we’re gonna discover if I can throw this baby right in the shark circle! But first of all, let me introduce you to my new neighbour.” He turned slightly to the side “WASH! COME HERE! I KNOW YOU SAW ME, GET IN THE VIDEO!”

“Oh God…”  Wash muttered to himself as he reluctantly walked to Felix, still holding Junior tight “Hello.”

“Oh, cool, you brought me the next ball. That’s nice.”

“WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THROWING A BABY INTO A SWIMMING POOL?!”

“Well, just to see if I can hit the target with an improbable weapon!” Felix shrugged “Duh.”

“I…I…WHAT?!”

“Dude!” he chuckled “I’m not throwing babies in the air and then shooting them for target practice like the nazis, this is not lethal.”

“But—”

“Aw, come on, do you really think I’d put so much work in a youtube video only to risk getting reported? I’m not an idiot, Wash.”

“…”

 

 

Doc, the Meta and Carolina were still sitting at the table, Despacito blaring through Gary’s speakers.

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Ghwhargl.”

 

 

 

Washington was baffled and stared at Felix with his eyes and mouth wide open. He finally put Junior down, but he made sure to hide him behind his legs.

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…You’re kidding.”

“Seriously, man, we’re not doing anything dangerous, look: Sharkface will catch it just in time.”

Sharkface emerged from the pool to wave at Wash, but he did so abruptly that Wash screamed, much to his irritation. “Oh my God…SORRY!”

Sharkface yelled back at him:

“FUCK YOU, WASHINGTON!”

Locus shook his head. Felix just laughed instead. Junior joined him, at which Wash sighed and shook his head.

 

 

“I would like to meet your father, if you don’t mind.” Doc gathered the courage to start a conversation after the song was over “I think it would be helpful to know that his neighbours support him.”

“Well, thank you, but…It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

“I know, but please. If I can do something for him, please let me help.”

“Are you sure?” Carolina tried to hide a mixture of happiness and concern.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Alright…Wait!” it came to her mind “You…You are friends with Mark Temple, aren’t you?”

“I, uh…Yeah, I like to think that.”

“Oh God.” She brought her hands to her face “I should have known…He said he was planning to ruin my life…”

“Huh?”

“This thing that I told you is very private…So please…Don’t tell Temple that I live like this.”

“Of course I won’t, that would be horrible of me!”

“Hwharglaghragh.” Added the Meta “Rawqwwrrrrssshh wrggll.”

“I have to admit he’s got a point, Carolina: how is Temple not aware of your situation? Not that I mean to tell him, mind you, but it’s just…He lives right between us!”

“…”

“...”

“He was not really the brightest in school…”

 

 

From the other side of the camera Locus tried, strangely enough, to be the people person.

“ **What brings you here, Washington?** ”

“I took Junior here to play with his friends, but they seemed…Busy.”

“Oh yeah, I bet!” Felix laughed “Don’t worry about them, thanks to our business we have plenty of little shits for your kid to play with.”

“What do you mean ‘plenty’?! What does this have to do with business?! Where do _children_ come from?!”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

Felix turned to the camera again and smirked.

“ **We’re going to have to make a separate video for that**.”

Junior chirped, much to everyone’s shock:

"Bow chicka bow wow!"

 

 

 

“Alright, I’m going to introduce you to my father but please be careful.” Carolina nervously warned Doc as she turned the key into the entrance door “Just say that you’re the new neighbour and that you wanna say hi, or he’ll become nervous.”

“Sure, don’t worry.”

Carolina opened the door only to find the living room pitch black from all the windows and shutter closed and completely empty. There was just her ‘mother’ sitting alone on her wheelchair staring at whoever arrived. The doll’s jaw dropped open and Doc yelped in fear, then he slowly moved a few steps towards it. As soon as he laid a finger on it, the doll yelled at him:

“DON’T TOUCH ME!”

Doc let out the loudest, most high-pitched scream. Dr Church and Dr Price had arrived from another room, the former running immediately to his wife as soon as he saw Doc and the latter taking his time to idly (smugly) look around while carrying a few tools there were meant to fix ‘her’.

“Ahlisun, ahr yuh okaye?!” Dr Church turned immediately to Doc “WHAWT DYIEEDJA DOO TUH HEUH?!”

“N-nothing! I-I swear, sir, I didn’t not touch it!”

Carolina facepalmed. Dr Church looked at Doc like he was about to catch fire.

“WHAWT THA FUHCK DYIEEDJUH JUHST CAWL MAH WAHF, PUHNK?!” he started walking towards him “AH’LL KYEUHLL YA!”

“Her! I mean her!”  Doc instinctively covered his face with his hands to protect himself “Please help me, Carolina!”

Dr Price immediately went to stand between them and gently placed a hand in front of his roommate’s chest to tell him to calm down.

“It’s alright. Allison is fine. The guests are not a threat.” he glanced at him and then at the guests with a faint, half-lidded smile “Everyone here is safe for now.”

“Hwrghl?!” the Meta was alarmed, at which Carolina gave him a resigned glance to make him just go with it.

“Mh.” Dr Church looked at them nervously and ‘hid’ behind Dr Price, holding to him a bit, then spoke to Carolina “Who tha haeuhll ahr thieez peepul?”

“Don’t worry, dad, they’re my friends.”

“Tsk.” He scoffed “Yuh, raht.”

“Wh-what is that supposed to mean?!” Carolina’s face flushed red “I do have friends, you know!”

“Syeeuhnz whaen?”

“Since forever! There’s North, there’s South, there’s…Lots of people!” she turned to her ‘other dad’ “You tell him!”

“Heh!” Doc wanted to break the tension “We’re the new neighbours! You talked to our roommate, when you brought the cake. I’m Doc and this is the Meta!”

“Whawt kahnda naymez ahr thouse?” he squinted at Carolina “Es this sum nyoo laym tren’ Ah dun uhnduhstaend?”

“The cake was delicious!” Doc continued, forcing a smile.

Dr Church actually got relaxed for a moment and smiled back, walking back to the wheelchair.

“Ah, yah! Ahlisuhn haeuhlpd.” He leaned to kiss the doll’s forehead “Syiee thaet yeetz nahs whaen yuh do tha cookien’?”

“You only say that because you want _me_ to do everything, you lazy bastard!”  ‘she’ responded, actually Dr Church was making an inexplicably good impression of a woman’s voice without even opening his mouth “It won’t kill you to do something for once, I’m bet Aiden wipes your ass too!”

“AH WUZ MAYKIN’ UH CAWMPLYEMUNT, WHAH DOOYUH HAEV TUH BYEE LAHK DAET?!”

Doc laughed nervously, quietly muttering at Carolina:

“You didn’t say that the doll answered too…”

“ _I warned you, okay?_ ”

 

 

“Jokes aside, nothing to worry about.” Felix nodded with an unusually serious expression “You can bring your kid whenever you want, he’ll be safe, our boss can guarantee.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, we won’t lay a finger on him, promise!”

“That’s reassuring.” Wash raised an eyebrow, then tried to change the subject “Heh. By the way, Damon mentioned ‘the boss’ too, is it the same person you’re all working for?”

“ **Yes. These three houses are linked for convenience. It’s already more than you need to know**.”

“Um…So do you work in the entertainment industry or…?”

“Well. Someone’s getting entertained, that’s for sure!”

“ **FELIX**.”

“Get it? Because everyone’s making babies—”

“ **STOP TALKING**.”

“Hey, not my fault the boss needs more for—” Felix froze for a second, figuring he wasn’t supposed to say what just came out of his mouth, then just pulled off a knife from his pocket and nervously started carving mindless patterns on the wall “Huh. You know what? Maybe we should film another day.”

“Yeah…” Wash agreed “Let’s not do that today.”

“Then you made me spend all this time holding my breath for nothing?!” growled Sharkface as he got out of the pool and walked away “Typical…”

“Oh, by the way.” Felix grinned “You want to know stuff about us but you didn’t say what do you do for a living!”

“I didn’t?”

“Nope! And don’t think you can fool me with that.” He fidgeted with his knife “I’m a sharp one.”

“ **That was a bad pun**.”

“Goddammit, Sam, let me have my mom—”

“ **CODENAMES**.”

“I work in a sporting goods shop, by the way.”

“No way!”

“Yeah, it’s not too far from here, must be a few bus stops away.”

“And you co-own it with Connie, right?”

“Right…WAIT. You know Connie?!”

“If I know her? We’re related!”

“Really? Oh, wait, I can see that. You look a lot like her.”

“…She’s my future sister-in-law.” “Oh.” “Well, my girlfriend’s future sister-in-law.”

“Do you know where she is right now? She’s disappeared without saying anything…”

“What do you mean ‘where’? She’s here!” he knocked on the glass door of the house between his and Damon’s “Connie? CONNIE! Wash wants to talk to you!”

A moment of silence followed, then a male and a female voice coming from the upper floor could be heard groaning very loudly. Wash was flustered.

“Heh. I guess that’s why she hasn’t been talking to you. Now that the boss isn’t around she wants to get busy in other ways!”

“HARDER! HARDER!”  the female voice, who was clearly Connie’s, panted audibly. However, it was not for the reasons that Felix thought. The window of the upper floor was open, and a leather couch was being pushed out of it, right above him.

“Um…” Wash looked up “Felix?”

Felix rolled his eyes “What?”

The couch fell right on top of him a loud thud. Wash remained silent. Locus grunted ambiguously.

“Did it get in the pool or—Woah.” Connie’s boyfriend was alarmed as he looked from the window and saw Washington “Uh, hello.”

Connie, too, walked to the window “What’s the problem n—Wash!”

“Connie! What are you doing?”

“I, uh…Wash, this is my fiancé Will. Will, Wash.”

The two just awkwardly waved at each other, in the meantime Locus moved the couch off Felix.

“Why are you not coming to the shop anymore? Did something happen?”

“No, not really. I’m just throwing away Hargrove’s leather couch to get a vegan one. I’ve been doing this with all the furniture. That bastard wouldn’t let me do it, so I’m taking advantage now!”

“Who is Hargrove?”

“The devil himself, that’s who he is.”

“ **Do not speak of our boss that w--** ”

“Nah, man.” Felix interrupted Locus “He’s kind of an asshole.”

Washington gulped and switched his glance back and forth from Connie to Felix.

“What does this mean?”

“Oh, nothing. It’s just that Connie is not exactly the perfect future daughter-in-law for him, and he gives her shit for it. To be fair, the competition is kind of unfair. Of course he prefers me.”

“Uhh, Felix?” Will raised an eyebrow “Are you aware that my sister does NOT consider whatever she has with you a relationship?”

“What? Why not? We’re gonna get married and I’ll become rich, get with the program!”

“Well, she said it’s because you’re – her words, I swear – a rat born in a trashcan.”

“Oh, wow.” He turned to Locus “Locus?”

“ **What is it?** ”

“Remind me stab Girlie at the first useful occasion.”

“What the hell is happening?!” Wash was confused “Why are you people so casual about—”

He was interrupted by another loud thud, this time coming from the street.

“…”

“…”

“…”

“ **We have nothing to do with this one**.”

“Yeah…” Washington grabbed Junior and carried him away “Sure.”

 

 

 

“Well, thank you very much for your visit, but…” Dr Price paused for a second “We are busy doing…Housework, at the moment.”

“Do you need help with that?” Doc offered a bit too enthusiastically, at which the Meta shook his head and growled in embarrassment.

“ _Excuse me?_ ” he didn’t seem very pleased “I am already providing assistance myself.”

“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be nosy, I just wanted to help.”

“Well, thank you, but that will not be necessary.”

“And don’t worry, I didn’t want to interfere with your private business, I have great respect for families like yours!”

A moment of silence followed. Carolina gulped.

“Families…Like ours?”

“Yeah! You know…”

“Alisuhn ez juhst _mah_ wahf, we ayuhn’t shaerin’ heuh…”

“Oh! So is it like an open marriage?” not even the time for others to glare at him that he kept digging himself deeper “I support you!”

“Whawt?”

“Unfortunately, many people are afraid of diversity, but I’m not! You can count on me!”

“Whawt tha haell ahr yuh tawkin’ uhbaht!”

“It’s okay, I will keep the secret.”

“WHAWT SYEECRUT?!” he shouted, with his neck becoming all veiny. Dr Price stayed silent and exchanged an amused expression with Carolina and the Meta.

“You two are Carolina’s dads, aren’t you?”

“Daetz uh _curst_ waye awv wourden’ et, buht yah...”

“Why cursed? It’s nice to acknowledge non-traditional couples!”

“…”

“…”

It finally clicked.

“Wait…You’re not a couple?”

“Dupaendz: ya saellin’ sumfin’ thaet cumz wyeth uh cahpul dyieezcahwnt?”

“Uhh…No?”

“THAEN NO.”

“ _Oh._ ”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Hieez juhst mah caehtaykuh. Haeuhlpd myee rayz Caer’lahna aen’ shiet..”

“ _OH_.”

“Gawddamnet.” He groaned and then turned to the Meta “Aye, bieg gah. Tayke thes dumbaez ahtuh mah hauz beefo’ Ah kyeuhll hyum.”

“Awhwarghlarhla.” The Meta shrugged “Gherwlsssschhhhwa.”

“Yano whawt? Ah’ll doo et.”

He walked to Doc, who was now shaking in fear, and simply grabbed him and casually threw him out of the door. Too bad a very large car was speeding up right in that moment, hitting him hard.

A moment of silence followed.

Everyone was shocked. Except for Dr Price who shrugged:

“I’m not cleaning that up.”  

 

As Wash walked back on the streets, he saw Doc on the pavement, the Meta on the sidewalk with Carolina and her parents, and an old yet strong looking man getting out of the limousine that hit Doc. He looked foreign.

“Ouh deear.” The man brought a hand to his mouth “Seuh, awr yoo aloive?”

“Mmmmmggghhhnnn…Y-yeah.” Doc managed to whisper.

“Ah, verry goodt. Then wee doun’t needt tu speek off thes eensidunt.”

He just threw some money on him, making it land on the bleeding parts with such a grotesque carelessness that the Meta hissed. Washington instinctively covered Junior’s eyes with his hand. Seeing him close to his house, because it was indeed Hargrove, the man eyed Wash with interest.

“Greetsings, youhng mahn. Wot ijoar naeme?”

“…It’s Washington.”

“Ooh!” an approving smile was suddenly painted on his face “Sundz prappy. Awr yoo rieuhch?”

“Why do I keep getting this question?! No!”

“Hm.” He gave him a smug look in response “I hahd thawghtso. I ahm Mawlcolm Hawgrowv. It is uh plaejauh tu meik yoar oquayntunce.” “Heh.”

Hargrove glanced at the Meta standing next to the Church family. “Seeing yoar fren ouvah thaeh, Oi’m assyoomeng yoo too haf hahd the awnouh awf gettzing chu no awwouh vahlubol sahntest, heah.” He focused on Carolina’s father “Dahctah Cheuch…”

“ _Myiestauh Hahgruhv…_ ” he greeted him back sarcastically. Hargrove, however seemed delighted and walked up to him.

“You meid me hahf uh caw’ ahxidunt, yoo bahd boye.” He creepily placed a hand on Dr Church’s shoulder, making him flinch “Oi cudt hahv entud op wiff sum suveer dahmidge.”

“Peuhaepz naeggst tahm.” he flashed an unamused expression.

“Aww…Oranchoo uh laettzul bitt ould tu bee suhch aw braht?”

“Ahreuhnt ya uh lyeduhl  byiet ol’ tuh byee stieuhll uhlahv?”

Hargrove let out a brief yet loud laugh.

“Yoar owlways mahd, awr yoo nott? In yoar plays Oi woodt staht tu wawndah whahy. Yoo wewll uhgree thaht sumtimz itt dus uhllott chu reuhmoov….” he looked down at Dr Price with a disgusted expression “Bahd cumponies.”  

“Yiff yuh saye so Ah’ll bulyeev dat, thaen.” he raised his lip in even more disgust “You ahr tha won who nouz awll uhbaht baed cahmpunyeez.”

“Plus, you may want to avoid bad companies yourself, if you want your…Business to be successful.” Added Price with his usual oddly soft and monotone voice, at which Hargrove looked back at Church and raised an eyebrow:

“Yoar fren tolks fonnier evrytsime Oi meet hyum.”

“Eh…” he shrugged “Hie wuz awlrudy lahk daet whaen Ah fahnd hiem.”

“Roight…” this time he switched his focus to Carolina “Ahndt, Miss Cahrowlina, deer…”

Carolina sighed. “What did _I_ do?!”

“Yoo nieed tu doi yoar rootz, dahrling.”

A long moment of silence followed. Everyone was absolutely shocked. Hargrove didn’t seem to mind, though, and just snapped his fingers to order the driver of the limousine to drive away from the middle of the street. Finally, he looked at Washington:

“Welcum too the neigbohoot, Wawshingtzun. Oi’m shouh yoo wyull bee in grate cumponie, wiff us.”

“Heh!” Washington forced a smile, then leaned in to whisper to Junior “We need to get out of here. They’re all crazy, they’re all fucking crazy!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And YES, that was a Fatal Frame 4 reference.


End file.
